The Clooney Car

So there I was, driving home from our weekly library trip when this beautiful Lincoln town car pulls into the lane in front of us. Now, it's pretty common to see Infiniti SUV's, BMW's and a plethora of  Audi, and Mercedes-Benz rolling around the streets in our community North of the Energy corridor in Houston. Town cars, like the sleek black... insert old school Mr. Big here? Not so much. I mean... it's a family type neighborhood and there isn't even high end shopping or hotels on this side of town. So naturally I thought ooooo I wonder if they are lost! 

Then my eye landed on the licence plate. The vanity plate. 

CLNY 11

My mind immediately went to George Clooney  - You know like Oceans 11.

How funny would that be. George tooling around the neighborhood with his driver!

It could happen. I mean the man does travel.

So I indudgled in a bit of a comical "what if" moment... and thought - 

wow what would happen there... 

would it be like a page of the steamy summer romance novels, maybe there's an accident next to us and he jumps out to help. We meet... he's dazzled by my ability to dress in anything other shorts and a tank top on the sweltering humid Texan day. 

Yes. I indulged. Everyone does it.

Don't they?

Why not?

The lights red in front of us and tuning out the ramblings of a 6 yr old requires a practiced mind. 

This is how I practice. Don't judge me.

That's when I remember... 

I'm sporting the fantastic - don't leave home with out them....

burn you to the ground with my impeccable, scorching hot fashion sense...

Hello Kitty sunglasses.

Wouldn't that fit right in to the fictional tale of meeting Mr. Handsome... the stunning and now mortified woman proceeds to melt into the pavement from pure embarrassment.
I might need to lay off the summer romance novels.

maybe.

But okay, let me explain why I am wearing these bright pink - obviously way to small for me sunglasses.

Yep. I have lost 3... count them 3 pairs of sunglasses in the past 2 weeks. I have given up completely on finding them. So in order to see in the blistery sun blinding rays... I stole my daughters. Because looking like a fool in bright pink sunglasses is a better option than giving the sun ANY opportunity to add to my "crinkles". I'm a firm believer in wearing sunglasses so that I don't squint and by default I will reduce the amount of wrinkles I earn.

I could just see George's driver looking in the mirror and saying...

Holy cow man... you totally gotta see this chick.... are those Hello Kitty sunglasses?

Yep... so George... or whoever you were sitting in that posh ride that was totally in the wrong part of town... I'm not crazy. There was a PERRRRFECTLY good reason.

Oh. You will be happy to know, I took this as a sign and my next stop was the Target. Because if life is going to toss the possibility (or even random irrational thought) about meeting someone even remotely close to a Top 10 sexiest man alive - I'd like to do it with SOME shred of dignity.

My Personal Slang Wagon

I often find myself making off handed comments, and then finding myself in the awkward position of knowing I'm the only one in the conversation that is laughing at my personal joke. Or that I understand what I just said. It's something that I have always done... holding on to small moments or phrases and repeating them as the moment strikes.

I wish to clarify my thoughts... just so you can catch a clue to why I sometimes giggle for no apparent reason. Here are a few catch phrases that you might pick up on when we chat...


"Clouds in my coffee": Meaning (for me)..  keep on dreaming because reality is bitter. - This comes from a Carly Simon record title but it is taken from a line in her song, "Your so Vein" I admit - I never knew what the line was until one day when I looked it up and I was like! OH OH! That's perfect! I love the visual!

"Your choice is fish." : Now this is a complete and total rip off from Henry Rollins band slang wagon... This comes from a story he shares about doing the crazy border crossings into Eastern Germany with a translator during one of his earlier band touring days... they stopped at a gas station/diner and the translator spoke to the cook for a few minutes and then turned to the table and said "Today, your choice is fish." choice being the operative word, usually meaning more than one option... but since the cook only had fish in the kitchen today there wasn't any other choice. Henry and his band started using the phrase instead of saying - you have no option. - I use this phrase a lot with my child... much to her utter confusion.

"Living a few streets south of sane" : This one doesn't need much explanation although I will say it is the single best line I have heard from Sons of Anarchy. It's not a direct quote from the show - but I must say it's pretty descriptive and describes more than a few people I know. 

5 sentances only a mom would say.

"No. Running your tongue around the outside of your mouth does not count as washing your face."  

...and 4 other sentences I never thought I would have to say more than once as a parent.

There are days, especially now that my child is a bit older when I have to stop myself and ask... do I really need to say that... AGAIN?

Never mind that I had to say it once... 

I don't know if it is common place in your home, but I feel like I am always surprising myself with the string of words that get put together in order to create a respectful, thoughtful and sweet child who will one day be an AMAZING adult. 

"Yes, I wish you were a princess, too. That would make me a Queen, and someone else would have to do the dishes."

"Yes. You have to wear clean underwear." 

"How could you possibly think it would have been "okay" to "decorate" my couch with chalk?" (chalk can be substituted with, crayon, marker, paint, glitter, glue...)

and the one that inspired this over-share Tuesday post....

"Get your food out of the bathroom. We don't eat while we are peeing."

The off button

Warning: This post includes wild thoughts, outbursts and crazy notions that live in my head. May not be suitable for all audiences!(and a warm welcome to Over-share Tuesday!)

I recently was talking to my gal Santana from Curly Girl Beauty (who by the way makes the MOST amazing body butters! My skins is so much happier now that I know her!)

 

So... Santana and I were talking about cyber-stalking, the "crazy" that lives inside our heads and well... somehow Henry Rollins... it was a very deep conversation to have in 140 characters or less. When she mentioned how I might be a bit obsessive... I laughed so much I almost cried coffee. (I might have wanted to preface this crazy conversation took place well before 6am.)

Are you kidding me, Santana! Obsessive... doesn't begin to cover my crazy!

I have completely and totally what is known as an addictive personality. It's why I can never read just one book in a series, and why I can't put down a good book until I finish it. It's why when I play computer games I have been known to call out sick to work. It's why I don't keep more than a bottle of wine, or any bags of chips or chocolates in the house now. It also makes me a brilliant cyber-stalker of people I take an interest in... and a Henry Rollins fanatic.

I don't have that off button.

Now, I don't believe I am off the deep end of the pool - someone call the police type of cyber stalker. Simply that I have a tenancy to have certain celebrities on "speed dial" when it comes to seeing what new posts they might have put into the cyber-world. I mean... I'm not a "super fan" with a website devoted to someone, nor am I a part of any fan groups named after said person (or people)... and although respectfully I understand that level of obsession... I find it funny to see what celebrities have really passionate fans that might be a few streets south of sane... and which ones don't.  

(perhaps I'll share those findings with you some day) 

Now for the record addictiveness has it's benefits! Let's take the year I spent systematically attacking my known fears. I made a list, and what each of my fears was keeping me from doing... and over the course of a year I faced down each fear! (with only one major exception that I am still working on)

For example... my fear of flying had kept me from skydiving. I ALWAYS wanted to skydive. Call it the adrenaline junkie in me. So I tackled it, obsessed over my fear and learning how to over come it. Wouldn't you know it I went skydiving less than 3 months later!? It was EPIC!

The Funny Fairy

We all have them, that one person in your life... the joker, the funny guy, the girlfriend who says the most whack-a-noodle things... the person who brightens your day because of the things that seem to tumble so gracefully from their lips.

Woe is me, I am so not that girl. 

Now, don't get me wrong... I think I am HYSTERICAL! However, I also know that in order to "get" my humor you really have to understand, or sympathize with the crazy that resides in my head. That's not an easy task, I know! 

I wish sometimes that the funny fairy would come at night and wave her magic wand so that when I start laughing at myself for no apparent reason everyone else would just laugh with me for a change! Sometimes, I can't help make jokes that no one else gets... of course one of my favorite lines from Sons of Anarchy is also.... "Come on man, you know he's living a few streets south of sane." It might be because I resemble that remark!

I used to tell people I work with, "You just have to assume that I am saying everything with a smile on my face. Because chances are I'm joking - you just don't know it!" In the interest of "April fools" and my Tuesday Overshare... here's a few things that brought joy to my life week, reader beware.... I only wish I were funny! 

From possibly the funniest person I have found on twitter: (He makes my inner geek smile, and seriously I just ran into him as a new follower last night...)

Fantasy Author ‏@BrianRathbone  8h

I tried to broker a deal between Magneto and Iron Man but couldn't get them in the same room together

Fantasy Author ‏@BrianRathbone  9h

The worst part about killing characters is that they still hang around in your head and give you dirty looks.

Crazy Hair and big smiles:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqnlZLNbeVU

The link btw, is a super funny video that is a montage of Mr. Luke Evans... and all the reasons why he is so loved. Seriously funny.

The super "bad mom" moment when I realized that my child has reached the most dangerous age of all... she has finally grown tall enough to hit her head on the bottom corners of kitchen cabinets doors when they are left open. If you have ever been to my house... this could be DEADLY... 

and then there is this gem....

I learned why you don't take the wine stopper out of the wine bottle with your teeth. When it "popped" the pressure in the bottle spouted out a poof of wine.. right up my nose. (To be fair, my other hand was busy reaching for a wine glass) 

There is a life lesson here... perhaps it is if you feel the need to pull the wine stopper out with your teeth... you might not need more wine. Sadly, I was completely sober at the time.

Even more sad... apparently I laugh hysterically and for no apparent reason often enough that no one in my house even asked what happened.   

5 thing's I've learned from the movies.

"You can't lose something you never had."

And Five other life lessons I learned from movie's and some of their best quotes! I admit, I like a cheesy chic flick or two, and every now and then you learn some fantastic lessons from them... like mouths + body piercings = reallllly bad idea. (AKA: The Sweetest Thing) 

Kate Hudson has had some "great advice" (or the writers of her movies do) to dole out being one of my favorite "chic" movie actresses. I admit that the one from the top, "you can't lose something you never had" is from my all time favorite chic flick, How to lose a guy in 10 days. - It's pretty solid advice and I find it works in a lot of situations, like when someone questions their sanity or memory. I find that I use it at least once a day. 


Prince Edward: "Your men love you. If I knew nothing else about you, that would be enough" - From A Knights Tale. 

Now, I know this isn't the normal "girl" movie... but really, it's got Heath, fashion, and romance... so it's awesome in my book. When you choose your mate or your friends - spend a lot of time with the people they hang out with (friends and family) before getting too involved. Chances are if the friends are lying, cheating, drinking, gamblers... you might want to question why that person like / respects them. If they don't have "close" friends that should also be a flag. If you want to learn about someone, look to their friends it will tell you all you need to know. (or they will if you buy them a drink or two)

"Maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney"  -Meg Ryan from Kate and Leopold

You should be realistic about love, don't get wrapped up in the passion-blind, Hollywood-esc, magical, fix-all  dreamland version of love. The truth is love is work, you put yourself out there and you do it out of your own personal faith that it's going to be returned. Sometimes, it's not. But next year when Christmas comes around, you should still leave out the cookies, just in case. 


Hey, buck up! It's not because you're a woman. - Howard Payne from SPEED

Sometimes bad things happen, like getting on the wrong bus. Sometimes, freaking amazing things happen, like Keanu Reeves getting on the bus... but every now and then, you have to be smart enough to run like hell and not end up with a bomb strapped around your chest at the whim of a mad man. Through it all... you gotta remember, it's probably got nothing to do with you personally. Mad men (or the crazy guy in line for coffee, or on the other end of your conference call) are not typically gender specific... you just happen to be standing in line of sight for when they start ranting and raving. Buck up. It's not you. 


This Christmas - Movie 

Kelli Whitfield: Um, this is not funny.

Lisa Moore: No, it's not, but I'm going to keep drinking until it is.

When dealing with families, holiday's or crappy life situations.,.. drink more. If that fails, Use a bottle of baby oil on the floor of the bathroom and beat the crap out of the naked guy who was cheating on you... that's sure to put a smile on your face. I came by this particular movie completely on accident one lazy Sunday, but I have to say... worth it just for this line, and that scene. Totally!

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