My life in less than 100

I was challenged to tell the story of my life in 300 words or less... so lets see if I can give you the summery, I think I can do it in 3 basic phases just to make it more challenging. 

Raised in Alaska where I went to school in the dark during the winter... and the words "be home before dark" took a whole new meaning in the summer.

There is a good chance I might have been drunk. (who am I kidding... you should just assume I was.)

No one ever told me that raising a child was a lot like taking care of your college friend. There's homework you don't understand, and a lot of flying vomit at 2am.

Bam! 81!